barbiesdisciple.me

Tag: learning

  • I quitted Chat GPT today

    My first post without AI’s assistant. Quite an achivement aye?

    I’m gonna started off by saying I’m no good at expressing myself through words. I stumble and stutter all the time, even in my mother tongue. I don’t have that natural command over words that I do with visual language. I hate reading because it hurts my eye, hence my vocabulary isn’t that rich, hence the choppy sentences, hence the inadequate writing. I always thought I’m so improper and for that reason I’m ashamed. So I entrusted Chat GPT with refining my imperfect writing. I felt bad for sure, but I push it away, because I thought readers deserve something better than some passages written by an literary innept person. But then the pain of not improving gnaws at me even harder.

    And I hate that writing requires so much effort, especially for me – someone who gets everything in her life for easy. It is not until I decided to seriously take up painting and fashion design – two things I’m extremely enamoured by that I realised: of course these things take effort, and thank god they take effort. Beauty means taking a conscious step towards being more than your preposition, and transcend it. Oftentimes it’s painful. But it is so worth it. Because we as human are destined to do hard things. To be more than what our circumstance gave us.

    Our history had countless examples.

    But none of that pain and frustration is worse than hiding behind a tool and avoid looking at your flaw like a damn pussy. This desire to appear more polished only makes me look all the more stupid. Perfectionism is stupid! Putting off learning is embarassing af, it only makes me feel spineless agaisnt a world that profits off the decay of my agency.

    I always had strong will and had always been conscientious. I’m that sewist who would seam-rip my sewing project immediately when the stitch is remotely crooked. And I must admit that I gave up and lowered my standards countless times just because I’m told to tone it down, your effort is not required. While It is good to maintain a balance between being intentional and meticulous and letting youself rest for once, but one point to be made abundantly clear: never succumb to the ease that is created to rot us. You may and absolutely must let your mind rest in serenity, but never compromise your standards even just a little.

    I won’t ask fucking Chat GPT how to write for myself and other human because that’s my job.

    (Also because this bitch is cozying up to Trump and I hate Trump)

    So yeah, expect amateurishly worded yet much rawer posts from me from this point onward ^^

  • Learning Is Not a Public Service

    For the Lovely Few With an Insatiable Hunger for Knowledge and Greatness

    I care about learning. I just don’t care about learning from everyone.

    Sometimes I learn because I’m curious. But most of the time I learn because I’m headed towards a vision and I need specific tools to get there. I’m not interested in learning as a personality trait or a moral performance. Thus don’t have the habit of learning something “just in case”. That to me is That to me is food hoarding, but under the guise of intellectualism.

    I like my life the way it is: I love that I’ve reached a level of nonchalance that offends people who think they knew me and intrigues those who haven’t. I love that I no longer outsource my decisions to other people’s opinions, and that I act—quietly, without asking permission—on what I know is right for me. I love that my life centers around my impulses, because for me, that is the only way it works.

    That is why life doesn’t feel out of rhythm with my body, even though I still go to school and still keep time. To live this way, I had to give up being an overachiever, collecting perfect grades as proof of worth. And that’s fine. Nothing is worth sacrificing my bodily rhythm for.

    So no, I’m not wandering around confused or empty. I’m already busy cultivating my own thing, which is precisely why I don’t invite every opinion into it like it’s an open house.

    People love to say you should talk to as many people as possible because it expands your worldview. That may be true if one’s sole ambition is to accumulate experiences. But I don’t want my worldview expanded indiscriminately. I want my life a certain way. And some people’s worldviews resemble lives I would hate to live. Proximity to that does not enrich me. It irritates me.

    I pay attention to people who are genuinely intelligent in areas I want to be good at. I engage with people who share my values. I show up for people who are actually part of my life in a real way. Everyone else exists, and that’s fine.

    I don’t believe more input automatically makes life richer. Sometimes it just makes it messier. Sometimes it adds nothing except opinions I didn’t ask for.

    I’m not trying to absorb the world. I’m trying to shape mine. If something fits, I’ll take it. If it doesn’t, I won’t. That’s why you’ll never catch me overexerting myself to understand why something doesn’t resonate, as though accommodation were a moral obligation.

    Again, learning, for me, is directional. Sure I don’t expect it to be linear, but I’m not a hippie collecting vibes. I’m that person with a plan, mildly amused, and dancing past conversations that don’t concern me.

    XOXO

    To those with an insatiable hunger for knowledge and greatness: you don’t have to know everything that’s out there. Social media has you convinced that being “disgustingly over-educated” is something to perform, display, and monetize. It isn’t. What matters far more is knowing yourself, really, really well.